This is my very first blog post. I’ve recently decided to do what I’ve loved doing for years, just write. This is the beginning of a major shift in my life. I can’t down play this thing any longer than I have already. I’ve always known that writing and speaking was “it” for me. It’s only “now” that I’m finally able to embrace it. This is a new time in the consciousness of “Me”. Nothing is more important than the day you become conscious & alert to the truth as it unfolds around you. Once you have truly awaken, #staywoke
Love. I often wonder to myself, why I can’t get it right with you. I’ve been down that road a time or two, and I always seem to get lost. Why has that happened? A destination so easy to find, however I always end up lost? Maybe because I was looking for it, and it was always “there.”
Love where are you? Why have you been so hard to find? I swear I can’t find “it” with a flashlight at night, if I tried. I have stared you in the face for years, but gave it all up looking for something else. What the hell was I thinking?
Could it be that while staring it in its face it didn’t resemble what my perception of “it” was? How did I not recognize it? It’s often times that you look for the very same thing that’s right under your nose. I didn’t recognize it because it didn’t look the way I pictured it.
I need you to come down! Come down from that place of hiding. Come out from the darkness. I’m tired of going in there to look for you. The way I’m feeling right now I need light. I need light to shine around me to help me see clearly.
There is no reason why you should hide from me. Wait, maybe it’s me. Maybe it’s the way I’ve looked at things. Maybe it’s my perception. I no longer want to go into hiding to find anything. I don’t want to be concealed from anything anymore. I don’t want to go looking for you anymore.
Love is essential
The very thing that is necessary for all living things. Love. A word so strong that it can stand alone. A word, to me, that can be considered a noun. Love. Where have you been these past few years? Why do I still yearn for your presence? Why do I still have a desire for that? I’m starting to think that Love, doesn’t Love me. It just can’t. Why are you being kept from me? What have I done so wrong?
Today, a day that I will never forget, just makes me realize that Love does come and go. It is something promised, but never guaranteed. Love can come from anyone. Often times it comes from strangers more so than the ones you do love. For me, it feel that I have to pay for it or show that I’m worthy to receive. Why though?
What I need right Now
I could really use a dose of Love right now. Especially today. I’m talking that genuine kind of Love. The one that would give up anything for you. The Love that would go to bat for you. That kinda Love that puts you first. A Love that prays for you. A Love that won’t hide you, but will boast about you. The Love that will give you endearing forehead kisses (I love those). A Love that can just hold and comfort you and want nothing in return. That Love.
The true lesson on Love
I guess for now I will be those things for me. I will Love me until that Love is genuinely sent my way. I’ve gotten in my way before and it caused me to arrive at this place in my life. I finally began loving me.
I can only learn from that road recently travelled and use mg GPS (God Positioning System) next time. Until then I’ll Love me the way I want to Loved. They say you get what you give, so I’m putting some loving vibes into the Universe.
If you are where I am, start by focusing on loving yourself and Love will come. It took me this long to figure it out. What’s your take on Love and where are you on this journey?
A four-letter word that can wreak havoc on everything in your life.
It can be physical, emotional, or mental.
A one syllable word that can last an hour or a lifetime. It describes the very essence of life. Pain.
Pain gets your attention, and It can be good or bad. When I say good I mean it in the sense of something like a great workout. You will experience some pain, but its self-inflicted. Its nothing like that feeling. It almost like a feeling of accomplishment. Pain is a tell-tale sign as to what you’ve been working on. Like my trainer used to say, “pain is weakness leaving your body”. Pain from a great workout is awesome.
Pain is bad when it is inflicted by others.
It doesn’t matter whether its physical violence, emotional abuse, or mental anguish. Pain from any type of abuse is never good.
I am now a believer that Pain brings about a certain awareness. Pain is your body begging for attention. It doesn’t matter the source pay attention to it.
I’m almost pain-free.
In a world with so many women to one man, one has to wonder about a few things? How is the playing field equal out here (for ladies anyway)? Single ladies walk around looking for a fella that might be “that one”. Fellas, well, you guys apparently have too many options to choose from.
Gone are the days when people meet, date/court, and marry. Now a day’s, people are dating just to date. No longer are they progressing to the next step. Well, what’s the hold up, I ask? What’s taking so long fellas? I mean, we are waiting for some summer weddings here. I know I am. I thought you might ask that. You guessed it, nope, I’m single. I’m not even in a relationship, much less to even think about marriage. I’m asking for a friend. I do seriously want to attend a summer wedding though.
Back to you fellas, let’s get one thing straight. How long are you going to date someone who you “claim to love“? What’s up with that?
After 4 years of dating and you still don’t see marriage in the future; what in the entire hell are you waiting for? Stop wasting people’s time Sir. Yes, every year it’s the same thing. Let’s wait till next year, we don’t have the money, lets save up for it, I don’t need a ring to prove my love, marriage is just a piece of paper, blah, blah, blah… Seriously?
Ladies, where did we go wrong? Who told us to settle for this? Why are you waiting 100 years, being faithful to one man, just to get married? Ok, I’m exaggerating to an extent, but we deserve so much more. I’m guessing after several years; you guys should have it figured out already. If not, just throw the whole relationship away and start fresh (just kidding).
Does your guy always make excuses as to why he can’t go out with you? Is he always out with the boys? Is he a bobble head (watching women come and go) while you both walk together? Does he talk about other women almost in admiration sometimes? Maybe he defends other women and doesn’t go as hard for? Flirtatious to the point that it makes you insecure? This type of person, for lack of better term, is just NOT into you honey. He is doing nothing more than using you as a tool to pass time. Even if you share children, which I think makes it worst, why hasn’t he committed to you yet? I’m really sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it’s probably not going to happen. Sir, give her a ring or back off and give her some freedom to roam.
So, how many years have you been with your significant other? How much longer do you plan to “stick it out”, or just “kick it”? Remember the saying about the milk and the cow? Yes, that one. “Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free” -unknown.
That goes both ways though. I’m not saying make a mass exodus and leave your relationship, but it’s time to re-evaluate where you stand. So, with that being said, what are you gonna do?
I was sitting at dinner last night and random thoughts went through my head. I was having a conversation about my past. After having a hell of a break up the end of last year so much has happened. I’ve been on a spiral to hell for years now and I’m so glad I’ve “come too”. I’ve finally come to my freaking senses. I’ve regained consciousness, if you will.
Dancing with the devil
If I could put it in words, It felt like I was in a trance. A dance with the devil, so to speak. Apparently, the devil comes as everything you want and desire. That, my friends, is what almost cost me my life!
About eight years ago, I began my slow dance with death; if you will. I left my entire marriage for something that was nothing more than a mirage. A figment of “my” imagination. An absolute asshole! I can’t put too much blame on him because I was a willing participant.
After several years of absolute nonsense, being on again off again I realized something. I had fallen for nothing more than the “thought of a thing”. I was trapped in a relationship with a freaking narcissistic sociopathic asshole!! It wasn’t until the end of 2016 that I decided enough was enough.
After all the gaslighting, hovering, disappearing acts, etc it was time. I walked away and blocked any source of contact from him. I went “No Contact”, a term when dealing with narcissist. I left no way for him to contact me, I blocked him from every facet of my life as if he no longer existed. It was tough but I was finally able to do it.
Picking up the pieces
I remember listening to so many relationship podcasts and watching videos to help me get past the pain. The pain from the reality of what I’ve done. It wasn’t hard to make the decision to finally leave that disgusting relationship.
It was so easy because I was also dealing with an injury I attained. The injury had nothing to do with the relationship, however it played a pivotal role in leaving that disastrous situation-ship. I was hit by a car, literally! I was in pain day and night!
I suffered anyway.
From that accident I think I was thrown into another dimension of my life. I was thrown into an entire new mindset. THIS was the turning point in my life. Ironically, THIS is what literally saved my life! I walked away, plain and simple.
I was in enough pain already from the accident. I was already sad. I was already depressed. I was already in bed all the time from my back into. It’s as if I was on task to heal from both my back injury and the realization that I had thrown everything that matters to me away; my marriage.
Today, I got very emotional just thinking about ALL the mistakes I’ve made in my marriage. I just had a conversation that brought me back to reality real quick! There is nothing worst than knowing that the person you want no longer has a desire to entertain you. They would rather enjoy living their life the way it’s been. To hear that just pierced my heart. I cried.
I take responsibility again for the mistakes I’ve made though. Maybe I’ve lost him forever. I have to trust God that he is leading me just where he wants me. I’ll wait.
If you’re reading this and your in a bad place in your marriage, please think before you leave. I wish I would’ve done something different. I wish I would’ve stayed and fought for my marriage. Well it’s probably too late for me, hopefully not for you.
Before you go
If your spouse is trying to do better, give them a chance. Don’t go until you’ve done that. Even if you’re fed up, wait. I wish I would’ve. No one ever told me that lil nugget. If they weren’t worth it you probably wouldn’t have married them, right? If you decide to stay, work really hard and give your spouse a real genuine chance to change. Next, build up trust, get counseling, and fellowship with other married couples. If you feel you just can’t do it, try to encourage other couples to stay and work it out. Pass it forward.
The grass is not always greener on the other side. If it is, your gonna step in the same manure when you get over there. Remember, it grows the grass beautifully so deal with it!