What the hell was I thinking?

I was sitting at dinner  last night and random thoughts went through my head. I was having a conversation about my past. After having a hell of a break up the end of last year so much has happened. I’ve been on a spiral to hell for years now and I’m so glad I’ve “come too”. I’ve finally come to my freaking senses. I’ve regained consciousness, if you will. 

Dancing with the devil

If I could put it in words, It felt like I was in a trance. A dance with the devil, so to speak. Apparently, the devil comes as everything you want and desire. That, my friends, is what almost cost me my life! 

About eight years ago, I began my slow dance with death; if you will. I left my entire marriage for something that was nothing more than a mirage. A figment of “my” imagination. An absolute asshole! I can’t put too much blame on him because I was a willing participant. 

After several years of absolute nonsense, being on again off again I realized something. I had fallen for nothing more than the “thought of a thing”. I was trapped in a relationship with a freaking narcissistic sociopathic asshole!! It wasn’t until the end of 2016 that I decided enough was enough. 

After all the gaslighting, hovering, disappearing acts, etc it was time. I walked away and blocked any source of contact from him. I went “No Contact”, a term when dealing with narcissist. I left no way for him to contact me, I blocked him from every facet of my life as if he no longer existed. It was tough but I was finally able to do it.

Picking up the pieces

I remember listening to so many relationship podcasts and watching videos to help me get past the pain. The pain from the reality of what I’ve done. It wasn’t hard to make the decision to finally leave that disgusting relationship.

It was so easy because I was also dealing with an injury I attained. The injury had nothing to do with the relationship, however it played a pivotal role in leaving that disastrous situation-ship. I was hit by a car, literally! I was in pain day and night! 
I suffered anyway.

From that accident I think I was thrown into another dimension of my life. I was thrown into an entire new mindset. THIS was the turning point in my life. Ironically, THIS is what literally saved my life! I walked away, plain and simple. 

I was in enough pain already from the accident. I was already sad. I was already depressed. I was already in bed all the time from my back into. It’s as if I was on task to heal from both my back injury and the realization that I had thrown everything that matters to me away; my marriage.


Facing Reality

Today, I got very emotional just thinking about ALL the mistakes I’ve made in my marriage. I just had a conversation that brought me back to reality real quick! There is nothing worst than knowing that the person you want no longer has a desire to entertain you. They would rather enjoy living their life the way it’s been. To hear that just pierced my heart. I cried. 

I take responsibility again for the mistakes I’ve made though. Maybe I’ve lost him forever. I have to trust God that he is leading me just where he wants me. I’ll wait. 

If you’re reading this and your in a bad place in your marriage, please think before you leave. I wish I would’ve done something different. I wish I would’ve stayed and fought for my marriage. Well it’s probably too late for me, hopefully not for you. 

Before you go

If your spouse is trying to do better, give them a chance. Don’t go until you’ve done that. Even if you’re fed up, wait. I wish I would’ve. No one ever told me that lil nugget. If they weren’t worth it you probably wouldn’t have married them, right? If you decide to stay, work really hard and give your spouse a real genuine chance to change. Next, build up trust, get counseling, and fellowship with other married couples. If you feel you just can’t do it, try to encourage other couples to stay and work it out. Pass it forward. 

The grass is not always greener on the other side. If it is, your gonna step in the same manure when you get over there. Remember, it grows the grass beautifully so deal with it!